


Falling to Pieces

by officialcaptainrogers



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, F/M, Post Winter Soldier comics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-20
Updated: 2014-05-20
Packaged: 2018-01-25 20:51:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1662023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/officialcaptainrogers/pseuds/officialcaptainrogers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As much as she was still a part of Bucky’s life, he was no longer a part of hers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Falling to Pieces

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this at 3 in the morning so they're probably a few mistakes, I just really needed to write some Buckynat angst after finishing the comics.

Bucky loved Natasha.

 

He really did, with all his heart. He’d never loved anyone before Natasha, not like he loved her. And deep down, he doubted he’d ever love anyone as much ever again.

 

Somewhere deep down, he doubted if he would love anyone at all.

 

He spent a lot of time outside her hospital room in the SHIELD facility. He couldn’t help himself. He’d stand where he knew she couldn’t see him though, in the shadows, behind the glass. It was better for them that way. Better for her.

 

People tried to cheer him up. Steve spent a lot time with him. They talked a lot- about the war, about how much everything had changed since. He tried to avoid the subject of Natasha mostly, although he did bring her up in conversation every once in a while, just to tell Bucky how she was doing. He thought it would help.

 

It didn’t.

 

There was a lot of awkward silences, people who didn’t know what to say. A lot of ‘I’m so sorry’s and ‘I hope you’re okay’s. Clint would always ask him how he was doing. Bucky would always say better.

 

That was a lie though.

 

Once, Bucky ran into Natasha, walking through the halls of SHIELD HQ. She bumped into him. She apologised. Bucky stared at her. She walked away. There was no recognition in her eyes, not even the smallest flash. She really, truly did not remember him.

 

She did not remember days spent together, fighting side by side as they had been trained to do, perfectly in sync with each other, knowing exactly what the other was going to do at all times. They had made the perfect team.

 

Not that that mattered any more.

 

Nor did she remember she remember the nights spent together, tangled in each other’s arms their bodies becoming inseparable as they lay together in perfect harmony, feeling nothing but complete bliss when they collapsed next to each other.

 

But not that that really mattered any more, either.

 

So Bucky tried to move on. He really did. But he couldn’t forget. He wasn’t sure he wanted to really. He blamed himself for what happened to Natasha. After all, he was the one who had trained Novokov. He was the one who allowed her to walk straight into his trap, completely alone with no back-up. He should have seen it coming; he knew Novokov, understood the way he thought.

 

But he didn’t.

 

And he hated himself for that.

 

He hated himself for all the pain he had caused, all the suffering, and not just to Natasha; the countless lives he had taken as the winter soldier, the amount of innocent lives he had taken. Deep down he knew that it hadn’t been his fault, that he hadn’t been in control of himself, that it hadn’t really been him.

 

But that knowledge didn’t stop them from haunting his dreams at night.

 

He’s been having the nightmares for years, they were nothing new. He’d wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, the taste of blood on his lips. Memories from his days as the winter soldier flooding him, making him feel as though he was trapped, like he was back in a cryogenic stasis. Although he would never admit it, it terrified him. He’d begin to panic, but he’s always be pulled out of it by a soft touch.   
  
“Hey. It’s okay. I’m here.” Natasha would breathe in his ear, before nuzzling up against his chest. He’d manage to fall back to sleep soon after with a smile on his face, and the nightmares would stay away for the rest of the night.

 

But he didn’t have Nat anymore.

 

He didn’t have anyone to pull him away from the panic, or the self loathing that followed it. He would wake up from a nightmare, flailing in pain, reaching over to her, only to find that she wasn’t there. He would dream that it had all been a nightmare, and that he would wake up with her by his side, assuring him that everything was okay.

 

But she never did.

 

He started to do his best to avoid her in the SHIELD HQ; even looking at her made him sad, brought back too many memories. But the empty stare she gave him when she caught his eye was even worse. Eventually, he started to avoid everyone. He couldn’t face the avengers anymore. Everyone of them reminded him of what he could never have. Natasha remembered them and not him. And nothing was going to change that.

 

As much as she was still a part of Bucky’s life, he was no longer a part of hers.

 

Eventually, he stopped going to work most days. He started to hate being at SHIELD. Everyone knew who he was. Everyone knew what he had done. Everywhere he looked he was subjected to either a glare of distrust and hatred, or a look of pity. He couldn’t handle it. The constant stares. They made him feel like he was back in a lab, being prodded and tested on, people staring at him like he was an animal in a zoo. He hated it, wanted it stop.

 

So he made it stop.

 

He almost altogether stopped leaving his apartment. He liked it there, away from the judging eyes, the knowing looks, people trying to empathise with him.

 

“But they don’t know,” he thought to himself, aggressively attacking the punching bag he had installed. “They have no idea how I FEEL.” The punching bag flew across the room.

  
He glanced around his apartment. Empty space that she had once filled with life had returned to nothingness. The broken man who she had slowly pieced back together with her with her love was rapidly falling apart without her.


End file.
